Daily Information is proud to announce the development of a brand-new, ultra-modern method of keeping up to date with local goings-on. The Daily Information Chip of Knowledge, a neural implant containing all the information uploaded to the Daily Info database, is expected to be available to Daily Info users within the next year.
Daily Info began as a printed sheet in 1964, followed by the launch of its website in 1995. With the launch of the DI Chip of Knowledge, we continue to move with the times, combining local knowledge with cutting edge wearable technology. The small chip, no bigger than a pasta shell, is implanted directly into the brain, allowing users to access our site using just their mind. It also provides real-time information on landmarks in the user’s line of sight or ‘dashboard’.
The chip has already been successfully tested in rodents. Those that survived the implantation process displayed unrivalled knowledge of what's going on in Oxford and, in one case, applied for a job as a college porter after seeing the role advertised on our site.
This project coincides with Daily Info’s acquisition by enigmatic billionaire tech mogul Melon Husk, CEO of Mesla Industries. Speaking at a launch event press conference, Mr Husk commented, “True innovation begins with disruption, and the Daily Information Chip of Knowledge is only the first step. In order to maximise budget efficiency, I am also announcing the termination of all current Daily Information staff members, including any Health and Safety Officials who have raised concerns regarding the Chip of Knowledge project.”
When asked if ‘termination’ referred to the employees’ jobs, Mr Husk responded, “yes, that too”.
“We will also be transferring Daily Info’s office and operations to Cambridge, where we will be working closely with the artists at Cambridge Organisation for Neuroscience for the next stage of human testing. We have already adjusted the code so that Magdalen and Queen's are spelled incorrectly and punts are operated from the wrong end.”
“We believe the future is in wearable tech and artificial intelligence and are excited to announce this new phase as Daily Info nears its 60th anniversary - to quote our Mesla motto, ‘unexpected is always the same as good’. We will also be applying this knowledge to our new range of self-riding autonomous bicycles and hoping to launch a punt into space by 2030.”
Asked to comment on whether the chip could potentially be used to harvest and sell user data, Husk denied the claim but began to visibly salivate. When pressed on whether he himself would have the chip implanted, Husk joked, “Who are you, the FDA?”, before asking, “seriously, are you? Because if you don’t tell me, that’s entrapment.”
If you are interested in signing up for the Daily Information Chip of Knowledge human trials, drop us a line at [email protected]. Please ensure your affairs are in order and you have told any relevant family members you love them before submitting your application.