Where to go in Oxford (in the zombie apocalypse)

So you're in Oxford, and you're watching the news. The man behind the desk shuffles his papers. It's the moment we all dreaded. No, Boris Johnson isn't prime minister, the zombie apocalypse has broken out. So tie back your hair, fill a rucksack with tinned foods [1], and find yourself a rag-tag band of survivors (one of whom is played by a celebrity with a face, but not a name, that people recognise.)

Where should you go?

The immediate choice is between making a run for the countryside and holing up in the city. If you do decide to scarper, Oxford is remarkably well-connected; you could catch one of the many buses out to rural Oxfordshire, or if you decide to head towards London (it's risky, being so population-dense, but it's where the helicopters would land, if anyone is sending rescue helicopters), there's the X90 and Oxford Tube (be warned! Take exact fares, as they don't offer change) while the express train service can get you to Paddington within an hour [2]. If public transport sounds like too much of a risk for you, you could always punt away, or risk the bus to a park and ride, where you can have your choice of a selection of unattended cars...

And if you decide to stay put? Then what?

The first priority is to find useful things, and take them to a safe place. For useful things, I'd recommend:

The Pitt-Rivers Museum

A repository of useful things, with an entire cabinet of different devices for making light and fire (none of which require electricity). It's also be possible to arm yourselves from the upper gallery - the museum boasts an impressive collection of weapons from around the world [3], so drop in to pick up some harpoons and bows (for distance shots), axes and blades (for close-quarters combat), and knuckledusters and wrist knives (for uncomfortably-close-quarters combat).

The Bodleian Library

According to the cinema, there are two types of crisis: ones where Arnold Schwarzenegger runs towards things, and ones where Cillian Murphy runs away from things. In fact, the apocalypse will probably be more like looking after someone else's children, or the geological history of the Northern Hemisphere: long periods of boredom punctuated by short periods of panic. Stop by the Bodelian Library, and you can pick up ample reading material for the periods of boredom, with your choice from every book published in England since 1610.

For food

Unfortunately, Oxford's central Tesco is opposite a graveyard. It's also likely that when people realise that it's time to stock up on food, they'll make a rush on the Magdalen Street Tesco (so, not much difference to the current situation on a Sunday afternoon...) For alternative sources of food, see Oxford's many allotments.

Choosing a base

Fortunately, as a city where large swathes build in medieval/ neoclassical architecture, there are lots of buildings with tall walls and thick, lockable wooden doors. Right, so, first things first, if you assume that you're there for the long-haul (as opposed to the short and sharp haul) you want to make sure that you'll have access to clean water. Many colleges in Oxford have access to the rivers and streams, and many of those that don't have roofs which can be harvested for rainwater.

Choosing a college can be a difficult process. Do you go for one with a harvestable form of livestock (Magdalen?) or one with large, defensible walls (New College)? The problem with central locations is that other people will have thought of them as well. Sure, Boswell's has a lot of useful objects, but it will also contain a whole load of confused French schoolchildren. What you want to do is find a base that has not been claimed already, by people you cannot vet.

All that's left to say is best of luck and try not to get bitten!

[1] and also a tin-opener. It's one of the tragedies of the apocalypse that the sort of people who stockpile tinned foods are also the sort of people who would struggle to get into a tin without a tin-opener.

[2] Can, but is unlikely to. I do the journey relatively frequently, and it's seems to me unlikely that First Great Western's punctuality would improve in a crisis.

[3] It is rumoured that at one point, the museum had a live hand grenade on display.